2013 was Hard

2013 was quite the year. So many blessings. So many heartaches. Moments when I didn’t think I could go on and days that were filled with so much unexpected joy that my heart was about to burst. But mostly is was HARD.

As I lived through 2013 and more and more things went wrong (4 lost referrals, 1 miscarriage, suspensions in the country of our adoption, extended wait times for paperwork, etc) I truly began to believe that if I just focused on surviving this year, 2014 HAS to be better!

As the holidays drew closer and people began talking about what their goals & One Words would be for the next year, I realized that a fear had crept into my heart and had taken up residence. I wasn’t looking forward to the New Year, in fact I was dreading it. I was terrified of 2014.

I was afraid of what this year held for me and my family. I was afraid of what it was going to look like to give birth to a child that we didn’t necessarily plan for (but are SO excited for) while we were waiting AND waiting for G & M to just. come. home. I became afraid of the very thing that I thought I was most excited about. Motherhood.

I was afraid of what might happen in our adoption process. Last year there were LOADS of changes in the process and we learned how to duck and cover with each deafening blow to our hearts, expectations, and timelines. I began to wonder if we could handle another year of battling the international adoption process. I became afraid of the very thing that I knew God called us to. Adoption.

This fear that quietly took up residence in my heart ate at my joy and hope. I realized that as I spent wishing 2013 away, I was in fact creating a space in my heart for bitterness, discontentment and apathy. Three things that I do not want to define me!

It was on our anniversary trip to San Diego where all of this came rushing out of my heart & head and on to my journal and out of my mouth to Jason. I confessed my fears about this year and pleaded with God for more hope and peace. And isn’t God just so good that He met me in that time of desperation? He graciously and gently gave me the time I needed to reflect, confess, and refocus on the calling that He has placed on my life. And as we drove home that weekend, I was refreshed and felt that God had done a work in breaking down the fears in my heart and replacing those fears with peace and hope. I walked away from the weekend with a verse to cling to over the year and a word to live by.

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photo by Jason Wood

I don’t know what this year will look like. I don’t know how motherhood will rock my world or whether G & M will come home this year, but I do know I have today. And today is GOOD! God doesn’t want me to worry about all. the. things. In fact He commands me not to worry and when I do, that’s yucky sin. He promises to take care of 2014 by providing me with everything I need to walk through this year with grace and mercy. All He asks of me is to set my mind and heart on Him. (I think this needs to be spray-painted on my walls…) 

So there’s a little peak inside of my crazy mind as of late. Did you enter 2014 filled with hope? Or were you like me and wake up in 2014 hoping to just survive another year? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments below.

 

 

Comments

  1. This is super encouraging Sarah! Jake and I are heading into 2014 as a year of huge changes in our life. I’m excited for them and anxious to see how God is going to work them out. Your words remind me that the Lord goes before me in all the roads ahead. Thank you!

  2. Sarah, one thing that God impressed upon me this past year is that he wants us to stay in the present. Not look too far back to either mistakes or victories and not look too far forward to challenges or expectations. We need to stay in the present and feel confident that God has forgiven our past and will provide for our future. Your mom and I didn’t know about being parents when we brought that little baby girl home with us in 1985. All we knew was that we were filled with love and after having and raising four children I can attest that there will always be enough love, enough time, enough energy, enough patience as long as there is enough God in your life! By the way sleep is so over-rated 🙂
    Shalom is my word for 2014: it means may things be as they ought to be. Our dear father and friend will see to that!

  3. Yes and yes. You took the words right out of my heart, friend. I’m praying 2014 is a year filled with joy atop the mountains we have been climbing and climbing and climbing…:)

  4. Wow Sarah, Thank you for these timely words. I so hear and identify with what you are saying here and I just know that the Lord used your words to illuminate some things that I couldn’t yet put words to. God has taken me on a journey dealing with the things that I fear and one thing I have seen is that to fear is be consumed and to live an exhausted life and no one, not even Jesus gets the true you. I often live inside my head with scenarios and regrets and the Lord is healing me of this and although the process is difficult and at times hard to bare his freedom comes like a healing balm over my heart and I can breathe deep again. Thank you for this, gonna go sit and just wait on the Lord because this unlocked something in my heart. Bless you Sarah!

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  1. […] recently shared a bit of my reflections on last year and how it was just plain, old hard. It was good to reflect, but it’s been even better for me to look forward. I love to plan, […]

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