Adoption, Motherhood, and all those Emotions

Adoption has taught me many things over this past year. Patience, trust, awareness of social injustice, and much, much more, but what I didn’t realize was just how much adoption would teach me about motherhood.

The lack of control over our process, the selflessness of asking for financial help, the anxiety over their well-being all whispered moments of motherhood to me in the waiting. And as we still wait, I am experiencing something I didn’t realize came with motherhood.

Helplessness.

I don’t know if this is the case for mothers that raise their child from birth to adulthood (I assume it does), but I do know this feeling has invaded my thoughts as of late.

A news report that terrorists attacked the city my daughters live in shook me yesterday. Another adoptive mama-friend received a call that her son contracted malaria…on the day of the attacks and had to find another hospital to find treatment because the roads weren’t safe. We both took comfort in the love and power of God who protects our children.

But still.

I sat helpless in my home not knowing if my girls were even aware of the chaos that surrounded them and still does today. I wondered if the fighting would continue or worsen. I wondered where they live and how far away they were from the fighting.

I am their mother, yet I wasn’t there to reassure them that they would be okay. The helplessness of not being able to do what mothers do when scary things happen…hold, love, kiss, protect…can be so overwhelming. Even though we received word of their safety, my heart was still uneasy. I became more aware that I am powerless to protect and provide for them when I am half a world away.

And what tension I live in today.

As I worry about the safety and well-being of my older daughters, I have another daughter growing inside my womb. She is safe. She is well. She is nourished. She is close to me today, even before I have memorized her face like I have her older sisters.

Life isn’t fair and it is broken.

In a perfect world, my African daughters would be with their first families and be happy, healthy, and whole. They wouldn’t know loss and abandonment at such a young age. I wouldn’t have experienced years of infertility. Others wouldn’t have walked through their own personal pain and suffering.

But in the brokenness…Love Shines.

Love Shines

I am helpless. I am broken. I am powerless. I am not in control of my future or my family. I am in need.

All of these emotions point to a greater Hope. The more I see my lack, the more I see Jesus filling in the gaps.

His love protects. His love helps. His love is what I cling to when there’s nothing I can do for my daughters. His love reaches farther and wider and deeper than mine ever could and His love holds them today. His love holds this little girl growing in me.

His love is what you can cling to when all else seems to be falling apart.

If you’re a new mom or a seasoned mother, we can all agree that we feel helpless when it comes to our children at times. But it is God who can and does fill in the gaps to be more than what we can ever be.

I may be a world away from G & M, but my God is not. He is there. He is fighting for them and protecting them.

I may be helpless, but I can rest in God my Helper.

“God is my helper; the Lord is the upholder of my life.”

Comments

  1. No wonder you couldn’t sleep. Prayers for all of you.
    Anna

  2. You are very brave and very gifted in writing about your fears, concerns and at the same time encourage others. Thank you for sharing.

Leave a Comment